My husband and I were recently married. We're new at sex, and at first intercourse was very painful for me which seriously decreased my sexual desire. Now the pain has virtually disappeared. Still, I find that sex is not as satisfying for me as I had hoped, nor is it as satisfying for me as it is for my husband.
My husband is very easily aroused and does not require the kind of mood setting and foreplay that I do. When I try to tell him that I need more in this area, he feels hurt because he thinks that I'm saying that he's not romantic enough or kind enough or loving enough.
This is not the case at all. I love my husband. He's very romantic and attentive in all other areas of our relationship. He, however, doesn't seem to understand why the ways in which he shows me he cares does not immediately prepare me for sex.
Foreplay in general doesn't come naturally to him. Fulfilling specific request makes him feel forced and awkward. I simply need more intimacy before the intimacy. I have tried to overcome the problem by psyching myself up for sex as much as possible -- setting the mood by myself, becoming exited about the thought of sex by myself before we begin-- but I don't want to do this on my own forever. I want him to be a part of it.
He never indulges me in leisurely foreplay. I need foreplay to be really ready to enjoy intercourse. If it's up to him, he would be just as happy to skip over it altogether. And if I have to ask him to do this or that, it interrupts the mood for me. I wish I could let him know what I need.
Christine A.
Dear Christine:
You can, you should, tell him how you feel. Good communication is the very basis for a good relationship, including a happy sexual life. It is quite clear that this is the first problem you need to address. Since you have tied the knot just recently, it is all the more important that you learn to be open with each other and hearing each other well.
That means that you both must make an effort to actively listen to what your partner has to say and try to accept his or her feelings on faith value -- including frank expressions about matters of sexual intimacy.
The next step is to try understanding each other's point of view. Clearly, this is not happening in your marriage. I suggest strongly that you don't let this lack of communication issue derail your marriage from the very beginning. It may otherwise become a wall between you which gets harder to break down as time goes by. Start talking now, do it with warmth and genuine interest. Build on your love rather than finding fault with each other.
If both of you are willing to talk constructively, then your husband will hear your concerns with eagerness rather than being hurt by your requests. There is a wonderful feeling each of you can experience in contributing to the happiness of the other partner, and that includes sexual happiness.
Secondly, sexuality doesn't go by rules. To enjoy a good sexual life together, it is of the greatest importance to know and share what makes each of you happy. Learn what your sexual needs are. And, yes, be precise, be graphic and talk about details such as what exactly makes you respond sexually. What kind of foreplay you desire and need to reach sexual satisfaction. For partners who love each other it is wonderful to know what exactly the magic tricks are that makes the other happy.
Your husband, who's clearly new at love and intimacy, should know that most women adore long and leisurely foreplay and most men feel absolutely wonderful when they can make a woman so excited that she absolutely cannot wait any longer to have intercourse. Many prominent sexologist actually advocate that a woman should have an orgasm first before the man enters her.
Maybe you wish to show your husband this letter to get the two of you talking. Tell him of your concerns which prompted you to be thoughtful and seek help. Maybe it might be easier by involving a marriage counselor or, possibly attend a seminar on sexuality together. But don't let more time go by before, your love for each other should give you the incentive to make your marriage magical in all ways.
Jacqui
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Jacqueline Brandwynne is the creator of the Very Private® line of products.
Ms. Brandwynne enjoyed a classical education in her native Switzerland where she received her Diploma in Business from the Hoehere Toechterschule des Kantons Zuerich, (Business College). She continued her studies in philosophy and American Literature at The New School of Social Research in New York. She is fluent in English, German, French, Italian and Spanish.
Trained in all aspects of marketing and business strategy, Ms. Brandwynne, still in her twenties, turned around an unprofitable consumer company, Yardley of London, into an industry leader which was then sold to British American Tobacco, equivalent to a billion dollar deal today. This turn-around brought her great visibility and recognition. It also allowed her to form her own company, Brandwynne Associates specializing in turning around unsuccessful brands or divisions of Fortune 500 companies such as American Cyanamid, Bristol Myers Clairol, National Liberty Life Insurance, Revlon Mitchum-Thayer, Seagram & Sons, Sterling Drug Corp., and Fisons Limited, London. To each of her assignments she brought a unique combination of sharp business analysis and great creativity to solve specific marketing, distribution and/or financial problems.
In 1974 she merged her business and joined John Reed, then President and later Chairman of Citicorp as marketing strategist for the consumer division worldwide. Subsequently, Ms. Brandwynne was appointed to develop the business strategy of Citicorp's ten-year plan. This required the positioning of Citicorp within the global economic environment. She developed and described a model of the dynamics and the functions of the information economy and interpreted the implications of this emerging economic systems on particular industries and corporations.
Her insight and contribution became a cornerstone of the ensuing Citicorp strategy. Ms. Brandwynne managed an inside staff and outside team of scientists, industry specialists and academics from Harvard, MIT, Stanford, The Annenberg School of Communication, and Columbia University. With their participation she structured and supervised a global study on the convergence of telecommunications and computers. As a consequence of this study, she and her staff recognized the coming of the Internet early on. In l975 she described the coming electronic network as " The Global Conduit ."
In 1981, Ms. Brandwynne moved to Los Angeles to help reposition a small, single product soap company, Neutrogena. She developed the strategy to reposition the corporation as a beauty and healthcare company offering skin care, hair care and body care. She then became a key contributor in the highly successful execution of the strategy. Neutrogena was sold to Johnson & Johnson for close to 800 million dollars.
After leaving Neutrogena she started her own business and developed the line of Very Private® products that are currently being sold directly, on the web, through medical professionals and in various drugstores. The company's website is www.veryprivate.com.
Ms. Brandwynne has served in multiple advisory roles in several administrations.
She was an Advisor to The Council of Economic Advisors under its Chairman, Herbert Stein, during Presidents Nixon and Ford's administrations.
She has been a member of the United States Trade Representatives' Services Policy Advisory Committee under President Ford.
Ms.Brandwynne chaired an Economic Summit at The White House at which both President Reagan and Secretary Baker participated.
At the request of President Carter, she consulted in the development of a new competitive strategy for the United States along with the CEO's of fifty major US corporations, the Presidents of the leading US Universities, Labor Unions and members of the White House and Congress.
Ms. Brandwynne has served on the Boards of Directors of several public companies and non-for profit organizations including Monogram Industries, Neutrogena Corporation, The Los Angeles Opera, The California Institute of the Arts, the Santa Fe Institute, the Entrepreneurial Studies Center at UCLA, the board of the "Amici degli Uffici" in Florence, Italy.
She is a member of the Committee of 200 as well as
a member of the Los Angeles Trusteeship (Los Angeles Forum).
She has been a speaker at universities and international forums on the subjects of strategy and market competitiveness.
Ms. Brandwynne writes a column on health, beauty and relationships which is read
by several million readers. She is a regularly contributor on radio, television and the Internet on the same subjects as well as business.
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